Having conflict between people is a fact of life and it is not
always a bad thing. In fact, a relationship with conflict may be better than
one with no observable conflict. When conflict happens, it might strengthen or
weaken the relationship. Therefore, this is why conflict plays a critical role
in the course of any relationship.
Consider the following scenario:
Jim and Robin were my best friends in my secondary school
clique. Due to a misunderstanding caused by a third party, they had been waging
a cold war with each other for 2 years. This had been a big problem for our
clique when arranging for meetings and outings.
Jim, in particular, was more persistent in the cold war. He
would insist that he would not turn up for any meeting whenever Robin was
present. On the other hand, Robin was more willing in trying to make this
friendship between Jim and him to work out. However, there was very little
Robin could do as Jim would rather shut him out whenever he tries to start a
conversation with him.
Two more years had passed and we decided to go on a trip
together as a clique (consisting of 6). We think that this would be a good time
for both of them to bond together. We thought that with more people around, it
would be less awkward for the two to start talking directly to each other. Thankfully, Jim was much more receptive this
time round and he agreed to come for this trip together after our persuasions.
However, at the last moment before we set off, the other 2 of
my friends were unable to make it for this trip. That leaves only me and my
other friend, Chris to be on the trip with Jim and Robin.
This puts me in a dilemma. As the leader of the clique and the
organizer of this trip, what should I do to make sure this trip is enjoyable
for all? How can I create some chances for Robin and Jim to interact again? And
how can I possibly minimize any misunderstanding that could be generated in the
course of this upcoming trip?
Hi dear,
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to do anything to make the trip enjoyable. What is needed of you is a 'positive'mindset, full of good hope and strong faith in people and their potentials. Really all people need to do is to get their mind in order rather than get their act in order. First the mind, then you know what's the act.
With that in mind, your spirit and faith will guide you to create chances for Robin and Jim to interact again. Personally, if you asked me, I have no clue what chances you could create because they are so many. But out of the many, only 1 or 2 will work for Robin and Jim, and your positive spirit of faith and hope will guide you to that.
How can you possibly minimize misunderstanding? Don't even think of it. That can't happen, no way, throw it out of the window. Stay positive at all costs, strengthen your faith in people.
5 cents worth!
Thanks for your reply, Caster :)
DeleteBe positive is very important. I am glad I was positive during that trip and it turned out pretty fine.
I agree with you our minds control our body. It's very important to get the mind straight :)
Hope to hear from you again :)
Hi Yi Qun,
ReplyDeleteI think that is quite a tough situation for you to be in. It could turn into either of the 2 scenarios: "thank god we did it! things are okay now" or "it was a stupid idea to do this trip!"
Frankly speaking, I agree with Caster, there is little that you can do in this situation. Both parties have to come to terms with their own disagreement. Jim has to forgive (if not forget) Robin and move on. He has to understand that sometimes problems may happen, but he may have to be mature and do the right thing (although it's easy enough to say this, but hard to do). As the person who is "encouraging" the cold war, he must be self-aware and know how his actions are affecting his other friends too. I think the fact that he has agreed to come for the trip shows his inclination to move forward actually. The same for Robin, who is willing to come for the trip despite knowing that Jim is going.
Perhaps the safe course of action would be to talk with them face-to-face separately before the trip. It will be better to see what they feel about the current situation when only four of you are going for the trip. Also, perhaps you could mention how you and Chris feel: anxious that the trip may not be enjoyable due to the two of them. Raise their self-awareness about how their actions may affect the trip. Maybe you could persuade them to "delay gratification" and do the right thing by not waging a cold war and making an effort to get along with each other. If they do indeed decide to continue with the trip, they have to realise that all of you are interdependent on each other during the course of the trip, and therefore must get along.
During the trip, you could get them to communicate honestly and sincerely with each other so that each understands where the other is coming from. This may help them to resolve the situation.
All that said, you are a friend to both of them and do not want to force them to do anything that they may not want to. In their end, they have to be accountable for their own actions.
I think the best that you can do is to empathise with both of them and be optimistic that they will be friends once again. =)
cheers,
Priya
Dear Priya,
DeleteThanks for your advice. I agree with you that Jim needs to be aware that the "cold war" is harming the friendship between all of us.
Now, to tell you what I did was to pair Robin and Jim away from the start. So they were both separated in the coach ride, to minimize any awkwardness and conflict.
However, as the days goes, it became better when we start to do activities together, play games etc. They started talking to each other again.
I think they had their own awareness of the situation and decided to make changes on their own. From then, I did 'nothing' more then enjoying their companies during the trip.
Till now, their friendship have improved. Started talking a little but I think it's a brand new start again :)
I really like this scenario, Yi Qun, from the way you describe it to the way you set up the question at the end. It's very realistic in that it focuses on friends in a group, and your description gives us readers a good sense of who the characters are.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, since it's not clear what caused the rift between the two guys in the first place, it might be a bit difficult to present worthwhile advice. Did they fight over a girl or over grades, thanks to competitiveness or negligence? Knowing a bit more about the motivation behind their disagreement might make this scenario easier to respond to.
Still, you gotten two very good responses. I like Caster's recommendation regarding having a positive mind set.
There are also a few language issues here:
1) On the other hand, Robin was more willing in trying to make this friendship between Jim and him to work out. >>> In contrast, Robin was more willing in trying to make this friendship between Jim and him to work out. (Use "on the other hand" when you are presenting two sides of the same coin.)
2) in trying to make this friendship between Jim and him to work out >>> in trying to make this friendship between Jim and him work out
3) However, there was very little Robin could do as Jim would rather shut him out whenever he tries to start a conversation with him. >>> verb tense inconsistency : However, there was very little Robin could do as Jim would shut him out whenever he tried to start a conversation with him.
4) We think that this would be a good time for both of them to bond together. We thought ... >>> verbs?
5) after our persuasions. >>> after our proposal/after our listening to our logic for doing so
These are minor issues though. I really appreciate your fine effort in this exercise.
Dear Brad,
DeleteThanks for your feedback. The motivation behind their disagreement was the fact that they were fighting over a girl.
I do agree that being positive is very important in this scenario. I am glad I was positive during the trip back a year ago :)
Also, thanks for pointing out my language problems. I will take a more concious effort to work on that. In particular, my past and present tenses tend to be wrongly placed.
Hi Yi Qun
ReplyDeleteI think you have been very active so far in trying to rebuild bridges between your two friends. Now that they are actually coming on the trip, I think it would be best for them to clear the air on their own rather than having someone steering them towards reconciliation. You can respond to them and follow their lead in terms of conversation rather than accidentally stirring up old grudges. Good communication sometimes means knowing when to let the silence do the talking.
Dear Abdullah,
DeleteThanks for your comments.
I do agree with you that sometimes it is wiser to keep quiet then to say something wrongly a given context.
In this given context, I think by being silent was effective because I do not want to hurt either of my friend's pride if I start talking about their "cold war".
"Good communication sometimes means knowing when to let the silence do the talking" - This is an excellent advice :)