Your edited application letter is a marked improvement form the original. You effectively displayed how you are well qualified for the job through various supporting evidence. However, some of these descriptions are too vague. You should state what was the previous company you worked for, and give examples of your CCA achievements. The letter is a good place to talk briefly about significant events in your past work or CCA, to draw the reader's attention to these points in your resume afterwards.
Moving on, the structure of the 1st sentence in your 2nd paragraph differs from the rest of the letter, you may want to revise that. Also, what does it mean by "briefly experienced"? In the 5th paragraph, there are 2 mistakes: "work ethics" and "being proactive in one's work".
Lastly, you need to talk more about the strengths of the company and how you would benefit from them. In the 3rd paragraph, you mentioned "I hope to improve the communication between the bank and its customers..." Maybe I'm being nitpicky, but the reader may interpret it wrongly and think that you are suggesting that there is a problem of OCBC not communicating well with their customers.
I do like your last paragraph, it is refreshingly different from the other generic ones that I have seen. One minor nitpick is that you could be more concise and remove the phrase "the opportunity to participate in".
Hi Yi Qun,
ReplyDeleteYour edited application letter is a marked improvement form the original. You effectively displayed how you are well qualified for the job through various supporting evidence. However, some of these descriptions are too vague. You should state what was the previous company you worked for, and give examples of your CCA achievements. The letter is a good place to talk briefly about significant events in your past work or CCA, to draw the reader's attention to these points in your resume afterwards.
Moving on, the structure of the 1st sentence in your 2nd paragraph differs from the rest of the letter, you may want to revise that. Also, what does it mean by "briefly experienced"? In the 5th paragraph, there are 2 mistakes: "work ethics" and "being proactive in one's work".
Lastly, you need to talk more about the strengths of the company and how you would benefit from them. In the 3rd paragraph, you mentioned "I hope to improve the communication between the bank and its customers..." Maybe I'm being nitpicky, but the reader may interpret it wrongly and think that you are suggesting that there is a problem of OCBC not communicating well with their customers.
I do like your last paragraph, it is refreshingly different from the other generic ones that I have seen. One minor nitpick is that you could be more concise and remove the phrase "the opportunity to participate in".
Bokai
Thanks for your feedback Bokai. I really appreciate it :)
DeleteGood justified post. Thanks for this superb format.
ReplyDeleteJob Application letter
Thank you! Jie Ying for your feedback!
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